“Temu Royals”

The Markle Couple Embark on Yet Another Quasi-Royal Tour

Four years after dramatically stepping back from the royal family to seek privacy and escape the glare of media attention, Harry and Meghan are cosplaying royalty again.

This time, they’ve embarked on a four-day quasi-royal visit to Colombia, courtesy of an invitation from the country’s vice president, Francia Márquez, who claimed she was so inspired and deeply "moved" by The Markle’s tear-jerking Netflix documentary, she decided it was entirely justifiable to splash out over US$400,000 of Colombian taxpayer money to host the celebrity duo she’d been swooning over on Netflix. Because, of course, what better use of public funds than to roll out the red carpet for, as Spotify Exec Bill Evans puts it, “f**king grifters.”

I found it hilarious when VP Francia unwittingly confessed that the couple’s primary allure is their talent for airing family grievances, complaining, and portraying themselves as perpetual victims—all while lamenting the "hardships" of life in the gilded palaces through their documentary.

Francia declared that Meghan's whinging in the six-part Netflix documentary convinced her to splurge 20 billion Colombian pesos on the visit because Meghan would supposedly "strengthen so many women around the world." A delusional statement, even by Markle standards.

Firstly, & with all do respect, the world does not revolve around Colombia, and women around the world have far more pressing issues to worry about than watching faux royals use poverty-stricken countries as their personal runway.

Secondly, I’m fairly certain that Colombian women would have felt more strengthened if those 20 billion pesos were used to provide them with some tangible aid.

And thirdly, I doubt the Melissa Toubati, Amy Pickerill & other female staffers Meghan reportedly bullied during her time as a working royal felt particularly "strengthened" by her presence.

VP Fran absurdly claimed that the purpose of the couple’s visit to Latin America was to ‘build bridges.’ A ridiculous statement when referring to a couple who have burned nearly every bridge they’ve ever crossed—whether with their families, the media, friends like Jessica Mulroney, sponsors like Amazon’s Andy Jassy, business ventures like Flamingo Estate, or employers like Spotify.

VP Francia soaked up the media attention, eager to speak to anyone who would listen, making sanctimonious, holier-than-thou claims about the Markles’ visit to Latin America and how it was going to uplift communities.

OH BE SO REAL, Fran.

You didn’t invite them because you care about uplifting the Colombian people or communities across the country. You invited them because your administration is riddled with corruption, and you wanted to dangle a shiny distraction in front of the public—such as the fact that the son of Colombia’s president, your boss, is allegedly involved in drug trafficking, with money from that activity funnelled into his father’s campaign.

VP Francia was eager to inform us that she first invited Meghan a year ago to attend events in celebration of the Day of Afro-Descendant Women. Regrettably, the self-proclaimed racial justice warrior Meghan declined to show, for reasons unknown to Francia.

Let me spell it out for her:

She didn’t need the publicity that desperately back then, Fran.

Of course, the strategic geniuses that are Meghan and Harry Markle deemed it perfectly reasonable to visit South America while the region grapples with severe political unrest, particularly due to dictator Maduro’s refusal to relinquish power.

As I write this, Venezuelans—whose country borders Colombia—are gearing up for a massive protest against the dictatorship, while the Markles’ host, Colombia’s president, has been hugely complicit in trying to save Maduro’s face.

Just yesterday, he, alongside Brazil’s Lula, the antisemite, suggested a new election—a deeply disturbing offer for the Venezuelans who fought and risked so much to vote Maduro out of office.

So here we have Haz and Daz Markle carrying Maduro’s water and trying to divert attention from a historic fight for democracy and freedom.

But, of course, sanctimonious Meg will return to the United States and moan about how terrified she is of the prospect of a Trump presidency—because Trump might, potentially refuse to hand over power.

But alas, this is how the mighty have fallen.

The Markles continue to act as pawns for corrupt politicians, touring countries plagued by severe human rights abuses and inequality. We saw this during their visit to Nigeria, where they were photographed embracing military leaders with a deeply troubling history of cruelty and human rights violations. Now, they are in Colombia, where, according to the government’s DANE statistics agency, nearly 37% of the population—18.3 million Colombians—live below the poverty line, surviving on just $3.30 a day, as the country grapples with widespread violence, discrimination, and inequality.

They may be embraced by corrupt government officials, but the citizens of Colombia are not happy. The sentiment in the country has been overwhelmingly negative. If the Markles hadn’t forced out their 18th employee and their chief of staff right before this crucial trip, someone might have advised them not to visit at this time. But if they insisted on going, they should have carried themselves with humility and avoided flaunting their expensive outfits.

And then there’s the issue of security. This is a couple too afraid to visit London but apparently comfortable visiting countries listed as high-risk on the U.S. travel advisory.

& who is paying for their security? Were Colombian taxpayers consulted before nearly half a million dollars was allocated for excessive and unnecessary security measures for the ‘royals’ from DHgate?

The official government website boasted about deploying an excessive level of security personnel to protect individuals of questionable relevance, despite Harry Markle’s ongoing attempts to antagonise the Taliban.

The text reads:

Among the measures implemented, a significant security deployment stands out, involving the participation of the Infantry, Navy, and Police. It is estimated that around 3,000 police officers will be stationed at various points in the city to ensure safety at all scheduled events. Additionally, 250 officers have been specifically assigned for the protection of Vice President Márquez and the Duke and Duchess of Sussex.

The security measures also include restrictions on the transport of debris, a ban on carrying weapons, limited use of drones in areas surrounding the visit sites, and a prohibition on parking vehicles in nearby areas. Furthermore, the transportation of flammable liquids will be controlled as part of efforts to minimise any risk.

The public is annoyed. The Markles have been thoroughly mocked and ridiculed across Colombian and South American social media, and beyond.

No one can understand why they are there, what purpose they truly serve, or why so many resources are being wasted on them. If I had to make a guess, it’s that the government is attempting to launder money by claiming the exaggerated sums are being spent on their security and visit while diverting the funds elsewhere.

The two clearly failed to investigate the regime they’re endorsing.

And to make matters worse, Meghan Markle shows up in a country where the average monthly income is just $365—if they’re lucky—wearing an outfit that costs $19,000 for just one day. She doesn’t stop at one expensive outfit either; she changes three or four times a day, which looks absurd when her hosts continue to wear the same attire.

How could anyone be so tone-deaf and strategically misguided as to flaunt clothes that cost more than the average Colombian earns in a year in just one day?

This parade of expensive outfits is not only ridiculous but also deeply insensitive. If Meghan wants to wear nice clothes, that’s fine—she has plenty of beautiful pieces. She could show some consideration for the place she’s visiting by bringing affordable items she already owns instead of showcasing new, high-end outfits. If she’s intent on wearing new clothes and promoting designers from Colombia, why not support local, smaller, lesser-known designers and give them a platform? Why choose trendy, Vogue-approved, wealthy designers?

This post is probably getting too long to cover each outfit in detail, so I’ll continue in part two. But if Meghan Markle insists on ignoring all sensible options and treating these quasi-royal visits as her personal catwalk, in a country where people are genuinely struggling amid widespread unrest, inequality, violence, destruction, and poverty, the very least she could do is show some decency by refraining from flaunting designer labels and changing outfits multiple times a day.

To be continued.

*A huge thank you to my sexy lawyer Larissa for her invaluable assistance with research & translation.